My family's a bit fucked up, to tell you the truth. Both of my parents (legal parents; my mom is not my birth mother; another story for another night) are in their fourth marriages, and there are six of us kids, ranging in age from 4 to 36, and none of us have the same two parents. Plus, I've not been speaking to my mom for about five years now, so I haven't even met my youngest sibling yet.

As I was saying, my family's a bit fucked up.

But the worst of us is undoubtedly the oldest boy, S. He was an angel of a child, so sweet and loving, but when he hit puberty (this is my personal theory, anyway) his genetically inherited psychoses from his mother began to kick in.

Long story short, he got involved in gangs and drugs, spent ages 16 through 21 in the California Youth Authority -- which, anyone who's societally aware will tell you, is enough to permanently damage any human being and turn them into a bit of a sociopath -- and is now a father with a girl that he doesn't love and has no intention of marrying.

Oh, and by the way, he's a "recovering" heroin addict and an alcoholic, as well as a two-pack-a-day smoker. He's a mess.

Anyway, I just have come to the point where I don't know how to help him survive. He's been diagnosed recently as both bipolar and paranoid schizophrenic, but he refuses to take any kind of meds for either condition because he says they make him feel like he isn't real.

In the meantime, he goes into fits of rage where he destroys furniture and smashes out storefront windows and punches holes in walls. He got arrested again recently, but is such a charismatic guy -- despite his purposefully outlaw look -- that the judge let him out on bail without bond (from what I understand).

Oh, and in case you hadn't guessed already, he can't hold a job. Actually, it's not that he's incapable of holding a job. He just stops going after the first week or two.

As I said, my family's a bit fucked up.

Today is EF's birthday. I think EF's 27 years old now. I really miss them.

I actually began text messaging EF to wish them happy birthday, but fortunately kept myself from doing so. What's that rather famous adage? Something like, "Principles only mean something if you stick by them when it's hard."

God, but I miss EF. I wonder what they're doing right now... I wonder if their day was a good one... I wonder if EF took the day off and did things that makes them joyful.

I hope so.

I had this thought just now, as I was trolling through all of these new blogs, trying in my quiet desperation to find one that will be entertaining to me, that will read like a chick-lit novel so that I can take a break from my self-imposed daily torture test of reading a gazillion progressive and green blogs:

Doesn't anyone have any frivolous thoughts anymore?

I know I do. I just think they're too frivolous to put down on paper -- or, rather, to type into my laptop and post to my blog.

That being said, I want to talk for a moment about "Lost."

Please, please, please, can we get back to Jack a bit? Or what about that hot British/Aussie/whatever-the-hell-he-is guy who appears to be some sort of pre-cog? Oh, man, he's pretty fuckin' yummy, if you ask me.

And why can't a romantic comedy get an Oscar? Huh? What's the deal there? Are only sweeping epics or tortured tales of loss and grief worthy of an award? Why don't we have an awards show like the Billboard Music Awards which rewards the biggest box office makers? Isn't the amount of ticket sales indicative of what The People, in their almighty wisdom, want?

So, my brother was in jail again recently. He's got this nasty history, going back to when he was just a teenage kid (I think he was arrested for the first time when he was fourteen years old; can you imagine?). I didn't visit him. I thought about visiting him, and then decided not to. I just didn't want to try to be encouraging, I guess, although that's not entirely true, either. I just didn't have the energy to be encouraging just then. I thought I'd give it a couple of days and see how I felt.

And then today I found out that my little sister didn't know that our mom had been married before she was married to my dad, or that my dad and I lived in our house (where our mom now lives with her new husband, my sister, and my brother that I've never met 'cause my mom and I haven't spoken to each other in -- dang, five years? can that be right?) before our mom was even married to our dad.

And what's more, my dad doesn't think that my sister knows that our mom was actually married two times before my dad. Yep, that's right, my mom's on husband number four, but my dad's on wife number four, and I haven't been in a relationship since 1995, so who are any of us to throw stones in these glass houses of ours?

Oh, and by the way, my stepfather's sister -- so, that'd make her my aunt, I guess -- apparently told my sister that she thinks she's anorexic.

Really? This is my family? Wow.

And, just for the record, my sister eats PLENTY! And as far as I can tell, she doesn't throw it all up later -- or, if she tries to, it's way too late after eating, and it's all been digested already.

Who are these people that call themselves our family? Seriously.

I had to delete my old blog, 'cause my anonymity had been compromised. I feel much better now, beginning from scratch. So let me start with this pathetic story:

I'm an addict. I'm addicted to checking up on people who won't talk to me anymore that used to be my close friends. Fortunately for me, MySpace makes this relatively easy, as my most recent obsession (I call them Ex-Friend, or EF for short) is a member, albeit not a very active one.

EF and I used to be inseparable. (Is that how you spell that word? I have no idea.) And then EF moved to a new town, found a new friend who was similar to me in a lot of ways, and basically began treating me like an unwanted stray dog. So I cut EF out of my life (in a very kind way, if you want my and my best friend, G's, opinion).

Having said that, I still miss the little shit, and so every once in a while will go onto EF's MySpace profile page to see if there's anything new. Now, keep in mind, EF doesn't actually write anything on their profile page; most of my info comes from comments other members have posted to EF's profile, or by going to EF's band's site, which often has info on their upcoming performances, and their friends will sometimes post pics of their gigs, so I can "see" EF, too.

I've officially gone off the Sanity Pier.

Anyway, apparently EF has moved, altho' I don't know when or to where or with whom. And EF looks good -- really good. Damn.

And while it's what I promised myself I needed, it's hard to realize that this friend is actually gone for good. Sucks ass, if the truth be told. Damn...again...

Anyway, that's that. Done for now. And welcome to my new blog!