it's been a bad couple of days -- not because anything untoward has happened to me, but because i'm going through one of my keenly lonely phases. i don't know if it's 'cause i've started dating regularly which has only underlined the difficulty of finding someone you really connect with, or if it's because there's something hormonal happening with me (always a possibility when you're a woman); maybe it's 'cause i still don't have a job and am lacking a sense of purpose, a sense of worth.

i'm so fucking lonely. i cry, and i sleep on it, and i'm still lonely. if it's hormones, i can't wait for this to pass.

i think some other contributing factors are the recent conversations i've been having with exes.

my first love, and the only man i ever tho't i would marry: we've been having pretty intimate conversations online -- not sex conversations, but the kinds of things that you talk about with someone you feel connected to. we talk about where we want to live out the ends of our days, what it means to have a family, why it is that being out in the natural world feeds our souls, the hopes we have for the other to be happy and fulfilled, and so on, etc., ad infinitum.

and then there's re-friend. the other night, we hung out for italian food and monday night football. we drank three bottles of wine -- well, he mostly drank; i helped some -- and had a really candid talk about why it was that he was so cruel to me six years ago. he asked me to sing him a lullaby. i did. he cried. i stroked his hair. he asked me to stay the night so we could keep talking in the morning. i told him i couldn't. he said, "you can trust me." i said, "give me time." he fell asleep. i kissed his temple and left.

*sigh*

i don't know; was it simpler at some point, this life thing? i wish i could remember. i wish i could do it that way again, all forward motion and no fear. i have a vague feeling i was once fearless. i wonder what that was like?

peace, babies.