it's been a bad couple of days -- not because anything untoward has happened to me, but because i'm going through one of my keenly lonely phases. i don't know if it's 'cause i've started dating regularly which has only underlined the difficulty of finding someone you really connect with, or if it's because there's something hormonal happening with me (always a possibility when you're a woman); maybe it's 'cause i still don't have a job and am lacking a sense of purpose, a sense of worth.

i'm so fucking lonely. i cry, and i sleep on it, and i'm still lonely. if it's hormones, i can't wait for this to pass.

i think some other contributing factors are the recent conversations i've been having with exes.

my first love, and the only man i ever tho't i would marry: we've been having pretty intimate conversations online -- not sex conversations, but the kinds of things that you talk about with someone you feel connected to. we talk about where we want to live out the ends of our days, what it means to have a family, why it is that being out in the natural world feeds our souls, the hopes we have for the other to be happy and fulfilled, and so on, etc., ad infinitum.

and then there's re-friend. the other night, we hung out for italian food and monday night football. we drank three bottles of wine -- well, he mostly drank; i helped some -- and had a really candid talk about why it was that he was so cruel to me six years ago. he asked me to sing him a lullaby. i did. he cried. i stroked his hair. he asked me to stay the night so we could keep talking in the morning. i told him i couldn't. he said, "you can trust me." i said, "give me time." he fell asleep. i kissed his temple and left.

*sigh*

i don't know; was it simpler at some point, this life thing? i wish i could remember. i wish i could do it that way again, all forward motion and no fear. i have a vague feeling i was once fearless. i wonder what that was like?

peace, babies.

so, i had my first online "date" blow-off last night. totally took me by surprise and confused me. i tho't we were getting along exceptionally well, and even if there was no in-person chemistry, i was really looking forward to making a good friend.

but, when i tried several times to contact my friend about our plans, when i tried to figure out what time and where we were supposed to meet, i was met with silence.

nothing.

nada.

not even a simple little, "hey, i changed my mind. sorry!" or perhaps even an, "i'm not really interested in meeting in person; can we stay pen pals?" or even a, "your last picture you posted? yeah, i think this is done."

i don't get it. i mean, why is it so hard to just say something? just as a common courtesy. and, y'know, i'm sure i'm overreacting 'cause i'm so disappointed. but, still! can't you just SAY IT ALREADY?!?

man sakes alive!

*grrrrrr*

now i'm crabby. tonight's gonna be a whiskey kind of a night, i can tell. hm, altho' ... i do have SEVERAL bottles of wine that are just sitting there. maybe i'll crack one of those bad boys open.

*sigh*

boo! BOOOO, I SAY!

so, i know i suck as a blogger, 'cause i really only post when i am in a boy quandary. sorry, kiddies. my bad. and today is not unlike those other days.

here's the thing:

i finally caved into the persistent nagging and hounding of a couple of my friends to try the whole online dating thing. my feeling about online dating has always been:

EEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and, honestly, now that i'm doing it, i'm not sure my gut reaction was not the more accurate and appropriate one to have.

but, y'know, i'm clearly not meeting the man of my dreams the old fashioned way, even tho' i've met plenty of Good Timers. but the bottom line is that i'm competitive and jealous, and not a little self-important, and i want ALL of my dalliances to be enthralled by me! which, by the way, is (1) completely ridiculous and narcissistic, and (2) completely hypocritical, 'cause i sure as hell am not enthralled by them!

so, to be as fair as i can be when it comes to my lustful wantonness, i decided that, yes, all right, i'll actually date.

hence, the tepid willingness to try online dating.

i've been doing this now for about, eh, let's say a week and a half, maybe two weeks. i've met a few men, but only two have really stuck (read: i've made actual plans to go out with them).

the first one is everything that my dalliances have not been, including age-appropriate. he's actually nearly two years older than me, and lemme tell ya -- it's been a while since i've gone out with someone my own age!

our first date was at a tea house. the conversation was easy, and covered everything from the psychology of stuttering and lisps to favorite childhood memories. he was easy to talk to, was dressed nicely but not metro, was a gentleman (rarity!) and soft-spoken, looked at me when i talked, and actually encouraged me to talk. it was so ... nice. i mean, he's a good looking man; i could definitely see that he'd be a sensual lover. but there was no There there, if you catch my drift.

even so, i tho't that maybe it was just a first-meeting-jitters kind of thing, so we made a second date to go to an outdoor music festival. i figured, if we like the same kind of music, this is something that will be great, right? right??? wrong. turns out, he doesn't really like the kind of music he had intimated he liked. he just liked the one band that was playing the festival who happened to be of the genre of music that he had intimated he liked.

*sigh*

and then, to top it off, i had a sudden realization: in the SEVERAL HOURS that we'd ended up spending together, i had not seen him laugh out loud once. not ONCE! hell, he barely smiled at all! i mean, what's up with that? i'll have you know, i'm a very charming companion, and adorable! surely, you'd smile wide around me! right? right!

SO done.

so, that's one guy down. ready for the next one? here we go:

to start with, the dating site says that we're 94% compatible. that seems crazy-high to me, and is encouraging. second, he likes to drink. BIG plus for me! and he's a coffee addict. even BIGGER plus for me! he's a gamer (c'est moi), literally has the same taste in music as i do (we ran down our pandora radio lists), and is funny as hell. we laugh all the time. i feel sexy as hell with him. so what's the problem? lemme 'splain; there are three:

(1) i've never actually met the guy. we've IM'd a LOT, and texted a lot, and e-mailed a lot, but have yet to actually get together.

(2) he lives about an hour away, and doesn't have a car. yikes. that means i'd have to do all the work. (i mean, he's offered to come up to where i am via bus and train, but c'mon, i'm not that much of a selfish bastard!)

(3) HE'S 17 YEARS YOUNGER THAN ME! i don't know how to feel all right about that one. i mean, honestly, this is the biggest problem i have with the whole sitch.

perhaps the scariest part of all of this, tho', is how much i really, really, REALLY like this boy! i haven't felt this way since ... well, i guess since i was his age. it sucks. it sucks big, hairy monkey balls. or maybe it doesn't? hm.

anyway, we have tentative plans to get together either this saturday or next. i'm sure i'll be letting all y'all know how it goes. dear god, help me!

peace.