i'm ten shades of anxious right now:

1) i am obsessively listening to a song that i'm co-writing with a friend over and over again, and that i really love, but i want to be able to play it myself and make some changes. i think my voice will sound better on it than hers does, but i don't know how to lovingly tell her that.

2) my father is coming down tomorrow to talk to me about money. when he tried to talk to me on the phone to schedule a time to meet, i began to cry uncontrollably. i don't know if it's because i feel like i'm nine years old again and am in serious trouble, or if it's 'cause i'm so bone-deep embarrassed at my financial state, or if it's 'cause he wants to know my plan and i don't have one.

3) i have run out of money, EDD wants to do another phone interview -- but not 'til july 9th -- and i'm still unemployed with no promising leads. i have no guarantee that EDD will come to a favorable conclusion over the course of our interview re: my unemployment insurance, and if they decide to discontinue payments (which, by the way, i have not received any payments since mid-May), i honestly have no idea what i'm going to do to survive.

4) i'm faced with the very real question of whether or not i can keep up my contractual obligation to pay rent through the end of september (which is when my current lease expires). if i don't get a job or get my EDD unemployment insurance payments reinstated, how am i gonna pay rent, much less utilities, or buy food, or toilet paper?

5) i have a job interview on monday. it's for a part-time job with a really exciting company, but it only pays $15/hour for 20 hours a week. i'm hoping that there's some rule with EDD that this will be just crappy enough of a pay rate that i'll be able to accept the job and not lose my unemployment benefits. but if i DO get the job, what do i do when my unemployment runs out in march of next year? will i have to quit an awesome job to look for full-time employment, or will i be able to morph this job into something more?

6) i'm feeling more alone than i have in a very, very long time. part of this is because it seems as tho' the ghosts of relationships past are coming back to haunt me with a strange insistent ferocity. these men that i once adored and continue to adore want to see me and be around me and talk to me and learn about me, even more so than when we were together, and yet one is married and the other is in a serious relationship. and then, of course, there's a new boy who could be lovely and amazing, but he's a good friend of mine's old obsession; if they never actually dated, would it be breaking the girl code for me to date him?

i need to drink.