it seems that every single emotion i'm having today runs the risk of The Superlative. i'm the happiest; the most restless; the horniest; the laziest; the most fucking freaked out. i'm not anything in moderation, and everything to the nth degree. it's fucking annoying -- yes, yes, the MOST annoying! (sure, why wouldn't it be?)

and, of course, there's always a boy to add to the mix. this is a new boy, a boy that i know is a tease, but at least he's age appropriate! that's a step in the right direction, right? sadly, while i was trying to be coy with the new, exciting boy, there was another, self-adoring, attention-sucking, buttinski boy who would weasel his way into any conversation i was having with i'm-too-shy boy.

DAMN!

but lovely boy e-mailed me that very same night, mere hours after our confab. he sent me some music that he tho't i'd like (he was correct in his thinking) and said that he was glad that we got to talk more than we usually do -- exclamation point, exclamation point.

and knowing what an overeager idiot i usually am, i chose not to respond 'til the next day -- early afternoonish. i don't know; what's the rule now? i mean, i know there used to be a three-day rule, but i'm getting on in years and don't have much time to waste. besides, at what point is it nobler to just be the freak you are instead of the cool chick you're so obviously not?

so now my point is that it's been a day, and i haven't heard back.

and now, just having typed that, i realize how ridiculous i'm being. o.k., mini-panic attack/sense-of-desperation-'cause-a-good-thing's-slipping-away is over.

oh, and ps: this guy is adorable, but -- as i've already said -- a tease. if i were to get my hopes up, i know that it'd be nothing but mind games and waiting to see who made the next move. UGH! what IS it these days? maybe i could just be the one to say, hey, what are we doing? are we friends? are you gonna ask me out? 'cause i'll say yes!

peace.

i'm ten shades of anxious right now:

1) i am obsessively listening to a song that i'm co-writing with a friend over and over again, and that i really love, but i want to be able to play it myself and make some changes. i think my voice will sound better on it than hers does, but i don't know how to lovingly tell her that.

2) my father is coming down tomorrow to talk to me about money. when he tried to talk to me on the phone to schedule a time to meet, i began to cry uncontrollably. i don't know if it's because i feel like i'm nine years old again and am in serious trouble, or if it's 'cause i'm so bone-deep embarrassed at my financial state, or if it's 'cause he wants to know my plan and i don't have one.

3) i have run out of money, EDD wants to do another phone interview -- but not 'til july 9th -- and i'm still unemployed with no promising leads. i have no guarantee that EDD will come to a favorable conclusion over the course of our interview re: my unemployment insurance, and if they decide to discontinue payments (which, by the way, i have not received any payments since mid-May), i honestly have no idea what i'm going to do to survive.

4) i'm faced with the very real question of whether or not i can keep up my contractual obligation to pay rent through the end of september (which is when my current lease expires). if i don't get a job or get my EDD unemployment insurance payments reinstated, how am i gonna pay rent, much less utilities, or buy food, or toilet paper?

5) i have a job interview on monday. it's for a part-time job with a really exciting company, but it only pays $15/hour for 20 hours a week. i'm hoping that there's some rule with EDD that this will be just crappy enough of a pay rate that i'll be able to accept the job and not lose my unemployment benefits. but if i DO get the job, what do i do when my unemployment runs out in march of next year? will i have to quit an awesome job to look for full-time employment, or will i be able to morph this job into something more?

6) i'm feeling more alone than i have in a very, very long time. part of this is because it seems as tho' the ghosts of relationships past are coming back to haunt me with a strange insistent ferocity. these men that i once adored and continue to adore want to see me and be around me and talk to me and learn about me, even more so than when we were together, and yet one is married and the other is in a serious relationship. and then, of course, there's a new boy who could be lovely and amazing, but he's a good friend of mine's old obsession; if they never actually dated, would it be breaking the girl code for me to date him?

i need to drink.

i recently realized that i get turned on by taiko drumming. seriously. as in, full body tingling, blood rushing to my face and clitoris, butterflies in my stomach turned ON.

*sigh*

i have to join a dojo. there's one here where i live that's actually famous. they're pretty hard-core, though, and i'm not sure i'd be up to it. i was watching an interview with the sensei, and he was saying that the students there do 500 push-ups and sit-ups a day.

seriously.

i mean, i'd like to think i'm a woman of great determination who'd do whatever it takes for her art. and taiko -- as with a lot of asian disciplines -- is beyond an art form; it's also a spiritual way of life kind of thing, with a mind/body philosophy tied to the way you perform the music, hold the drumsticks, stand or kneel or lie before your drum.

have i mentioned that this shit turns me on?

*sigh*

yeah, i gotta figure out a way to make this happen.

so, ex-friend has somehow become re-friend.

i'm not sure exactly how this happened. i think it was probably a combination of wanting to be polite and wanting to have my friend again. that being said, i'm really, really not sure this is a good idea. i mean, we've hung out a total of three times now (once by ourselves), and i gotta say: OUCH! it hurts -- i mean, really hurts, so much so that i am semi-desperately trying to find a way to not see RF anymore.

*sigh*

anyway, i have to run, but i just wanted to state what i, well, stated so i can have some sort of record, some proof of accountability. i'll fill all y'all in later when i know more.

peace.

i've known my best friend, gina, now for 27 years. she's married to this guy named aaron. one night, they were watching "the fountain," and she saw that the director's name is darren aronofsky. for some reason, that just struck her as completely and totally funny: "aronofsky! aw, who are you, honey? you're my little aronofsky! yes, you are! ar-on-of-SKY!"

you get the picture, right?

and, what makes calling aaron "aronofsky" even more fun is just how much he hates it. i mean HAAAAAAATES it! so, we get a couple of scotches in us, and suddenly we're, like, "hey, remember when you started calling aaron 'aronofsky'? that was funny!"

"aw, aronofsky! who's my aronofsky? YOU are!"

"ar-on-of-SKY! ar-on-of-SKY!"

"hey! only gina can call me that! no one else, damn it!"

*snicker, snicker*

so, sunday night (two nights ago), a couple of us were hanging at gina and aaron's place, sittin' on the balcony, drinking, smoking, listening to awesome music, and i mentioned that darren aronofsky had a new movie out ("the wrestler"), which i felt gina and aaron should see, since it's, y'know, aronofsky.

this led to a general discussion about movies we were excited to see. i mentioned the new star trek flick. aaron tried to make the vulcan salute, but accidentally did the boy scout salute, which turned the conversation to the fact that aaron was an eagle scout.

in a fit of brilliance, our friend, jae, said:

"aronofsky, the eagle vulcan. live long and be prepared."

i just about lost my shit.

peace, babies.

once again, the saga of EF rears it's at-one-time-hideously-ugly-but-now-just-needs-a-good-pore-refining-treatment head.

as i mentioned in a previous post, i'd gotten word from EF's roommate (and a friend of mine) that EF misses me. i, naturally, pooh-poohed the notion, since i think that, not having seen each other in two and a half years and not having been friends with each other for almost five years probably falls somewhere under the category of Having Moved On And Forgotten All About It.

but then, on friday afternoon, i got this text from EF's cell (names changed to protect the truly innocent):

hey do you wanna play laser tag for my brother's birthday on Sunday? lemme know

um, HUH?

i was confused. i couldn't comprehend that EF had invited me to his kid brother's birthday gig, especially since history told me that these things usually just consisted of the siblings and the parents, and maybe one old family friend. why me? had [jujubees], EF's kid brother, asked if i could be there? if so, how could i find out without sounding paranoid? i mean, if the kid specifically wanted me there, i would maybe go. but if it's just some oddball idea of EF's, well, no thanks!

after some further consideration, i tho't that perhaps it wasn't really EF who had texted the invitation to me, but his sister (using his cell phone, obviously), since she and i have remained good friends all this time, and it's exactly the kind of thing she'd do. so, thinking it was her, i wrote back:

Ur bro [jujubees]? What day?

to which EF rather brusquely -- and rightly so, since (a) he only has one brother and (b) he'd already told me what day -- replied:

sunday

i immediately felt sheepish. my bad.

i also realized, based on the terse answer from EF, that it WAS EF who had contacted me. immediately, warning signals started flashing. i mean, don't get me wrong; [jujubees] is a fantastic kid, and normally i'd love to go and celebrate his birthday and hang out with EF's sister and their dad, who i also really enjoy. but the event itself was too personal, too intimate. i mean, really? really??? who does that? who invites an ex-friend to their little brother's birthday party?

so, i lied. i wrote back:

BUMMER! Alas, this Sunday is spoken for. Thanks for the invite!

*sigh*

i hate lying. HATEHATEHATEHATEHATE IT!

but the Truly Gutless -- c'est moi -- often must lie in order to avoid potentially painful situations.

but wait! there's more!

the next day, i got a missed call from EF. this time, he didn't leave a message, so -- against my better judgment -- i sent him this text:

what's up?

to which he replied:

not much hey are you still blogging

me:

Some, but not much at the [insert name of political blog to which i contribute] lately. Are you thinking of writing?

EF:

just started something if you wanna check it out. [name of EF's new blog]

o.k.

o.k.

weird, right? i mean, SO WEIRD! and now, a day and a half removed from the whole thing, i find that i can't tell if i'm glad, or if i'm dreading any potential fall-out from the whole thing.

ultimately, tho', what i really think is that i'm thinking too much about it. that is to say, now, as i'm writing this post, i'm thinking a lot about it, and my stomach is churning. truthfully, tho', i hardly tho't about it at all today.

huh.

so, then, maybe this is all just a bs post and there's nothing worth mentioning after all. well! who knew?

*sigh*

how old am i? oh, yeah, that's right: TOO FUCKING OLD! ;-)

peace, babies!

It's strange. Aside from a kinda shitty job where I am made to feel like shit and do shit work for a cheap-ass shit organization that is doing amazing, important, world-changing work, life has been unusually forward-moving lately. I mean, the social life's been crazy-good, the home life is getting good, the family life remains good, and the creative life has been really, really good.

Hm.

Should I be worried?