It's been so long since I've written anything honest anywhere, much less here on this ... what shall I call this space? It seems to be more important -- to me, my friends, only to me -- than a "blog," yet not vulnerable or risky enough to be a journal. Ah, but it is self-indulgent, nonetheless!
But I digress.
The point is, time has passed. And I have managed to be uncourageous, for the most part.
Recently, I've been getting mixed signals from a man who is fairly new to my life. He's actually not someone that I would normally bother myself with, as he is existing in a world of which I know very little, and for which I have no real affinity. It's a very movers-n-shakers kind of place, altho' he personally came out of the proverbial rat race some time ago. Still, he lives in a world of gourmet this and designer that.
It makes me uncomfortable.
And then there are the moments such as yesterday, where he comes up behind me, slides his arms around my waist, leans into my back, and nuzzles the hollow where my clavicle meets my throat. Feeling him there, wrapped into me so perfectly, I find myself melding to the shape he is holding. And then he speaks clearly, intimately into my left ear: "You knew it was me. You just let it happen. You knew it was me. I love you for that."
And in that moment, I cannot say anything at all, because either it is all a lie, and I will disappoint this man who is experiencing a perfect moment, or it is all true, and I cannot fathom how something so easy and natural could be real.
I am at a loss.
Sunday, October 5, 2008
Sunday, March 9, 2008
Sunday, November 18, 2007
Today's been an interesting day for me.
I went to see my friend perform in a modern opera version of Tartuffe, and it was cool, and all that, but the production kinda sucked ass. And, as is often the case with the collegiate level of performances, the acting of these classically trained vocalists also kinda sucked ass.
I largely blame the director, tho'. Clearly, she was really unsure of how to fill the time in between lyrics in such a cramped performance space, and most of these kids didn't seem to have any sort of method or Eisner training, which led to a lot of cartoonish filling time shenannigans. It was a nice little studio production, but not worth more than the $10 I paid.
Anyway, that wasn't really my point.
My point is that, even tho' my friend had his mom and his aunt and his best friend with her boyfriend -- both of whom used to be his roommates -- and then another friend with his girlfriend all there to cheer him on, my friend really seemed happiest to see me. I mean, really, truly weird! He just hugged me and didn't let go. It was so beautiful and wonderful, to be that appreciated. I mean, sure, I'd given him a really gorgeous card before the performance began and I wrote some pretty moving shit that apparently put him in exactly the right place for his closing performance, but still!
So. That's that. Me tootin' my own horn. [Hey, everybody, I'm someone to be appreciated!]
Blecch. Now I feel like an asshole. Huh. Oh, well! Too bad!
I went to see my friend perform in a modern opera version of Tartuffe, and it was cool, and all that, but the production kinda sucked ass. And, as is often the case with the collegiate level of performances, the acting of these classically trained vocalists also kinda sucked ass.
I largely blame the director, tho'. Clearly, she was really unsure of how to fill the time in between lyrics in such a cramped performance space, and most of these kids didn't seem to have any sort of method or Eisner training, which led to a lot of cartoonish filling time shenannigans. It was a nice little studio production, but not worth more than the $10 I paid.
Anyway, that wasn't really my point.
My point is that, even tho' my friend had his mom and his aunt and his best friend with her boyfriend -- both of whom used to be his roommates -- and then another friend with his girlfriend all there to cheer him on, my friend really seemed happiest to see me. I mean, really, truly weird! He just hugged me and didn't let go. It was so beautiful and wonderful, to be that appreciated. I mean, sure, I'd given him a really gorgeous card before the performance began and I wrote some pretty moving shit that apparently put him in exactly the right place for his closing performance, but still!
So. That's that. Me tootin' my own horn. [Hey, everybody, I'm someone to be appreciated!]
Blecch. Now I feel like an asshole. Huh. Oh, well! Too bad!
Monday, September 3, 2007
Sunday, August 19, 2007
My best friend's getting married. She wants to have a ceremony on the beach, followed by live music by our dj friends and, once it starts to get dark, a bonfire. And so I've begun researching bonfires around here.
Yeah. It's not gonna be easy.
Plus, the electronic music? Apparently we're not supposed to have any amplified sound. But I'm thinking that if we include all of that stuff in our use permit application, we should be covered. At least, that's what I'm hoping.
Anyway, just wanted to let all y'all know. Not that it really matters, but it's a fuckin' cool thing when two people find each other and make that decision to build a life together. Amen.
I'm off to bed now. I thought I had enough energy to actually write something, but it turns out I way over-estimated myself. G'night. Sweet dreams. Or, as my mother used to say to me when I was a kid, suena con los angelitos.
(And now you say, y tu, tambien. Well done!)
Peace.
Yeah. It's not gonna be easy.
Plus, the electronic music? Apparently we're not supposed to have any amplified sound. But I'm thinking that if we include all of that stuff in our use permit application, we should be covered. At least, that's what I'm hoping.
Anyway, just wanted to let all y'all know. Not that it really matters, but it's a fuckin' cool thing when two people find each other and make that decision to build a life together. Amen.
I'm off to bed now. I thought I had enough energy to actually write something, but it turns out I way over-estimated myself. G'night. Sweet dreams. Or, as my mother used to say to me when I was a kid, suena con los angelitos.
(And now you say, y tu, tambien. Well done!)
Peace.
Sunday, August 12, 2007
So, I survived the night...more or less. The whole thing was really all right for me, in that there was no real awkwardness or ickyness or hostility or anything like that. I laughed a lot, I met some cool people, had yummy drinks, got to celebrate my friend's b-day, and was feeling good about myself in general.
Ladies, you know about this, right? Some days are just Ugly Days, where it doesn't matter in reality whether or not you're looking good; you just feel ugly. And then some days are Hot Days, where you know your mojo is workin' and all the boys flock to you. Right? Right! And yesterday was a Hot Day for me -- thank the gods!
Anyway, the only tough thing about last night is that I did see Ex-Friend. He actually came over to me and hugged me, which I have to admit kinda took me by surprise. I sort of half-rose from my bar booth seat and half-assedly hugged him back, but greeted him with a dazzling smile, trying to convey a sense of, hey, no harm, no foul here! I think it worked.
The hard part, tho', is twofold:
(1) I got a really strong feeling that he wanted to talk to me, that he wanted to be funny with me, to make me laugh, to connect somehow. He kept trying to bring up subjects and debates that, given the others sitting in my bar booth, only really the two of us could engage in (regarding very specific types of music and artists, etc.). But he was so hammered that I think he himself found his efforts to be lacking, and I didn't help matters by allowing myself to be pulled away from his commentary all too easily. It made me feel sort of rude, and in the past I would've tried to find him and give him an opportunity to complete his thought, but I kept reminding myself that this person makes me feel like shit most of the time, so let it go.
(2) Seeing EF made me really, really, really, really miss having him in my life. Last night after I left, and all day today, I've had this ache where I keep trying to devise excuses to text him or e-mail him or even call him, just to try to cling to some small thread of what we once were. He was my best friend. And now, seeing him again, well...I just wish we were good for each other. But, if there's one thing I've learned in my long-but-still-young years, it's that loving someone, be it family, friend, or lover, does not automatically mean you're good for each other. In fact, it's the very people you love the most that can deal you the highest amount of damage. (Just ask any videogame fanatic; they'll tell ya.)
So, I survived, but now I'm sad again, not 'cause I had a bad time, but because I had a good time, and wish I could have it again.
Askin' a lot, eh?
*sigh*
I don't know anymore. When is it the right thing to stick to your guns, and when should you just let go of your Word and give someone another chance? I don't know anymore. (Wait, I already said that. Nevermind.)
Ladies, you know about this, right? Some days are just Ugly Days, where it doesn't matter in reality whether or not you're looking good; you just feel ugly. And then some days are Hot Days, where you know your mojo is workin' and all the boys flock to you. Right? Right! And yesterday was a Hot Day for me -- thank the gods!
Anyway, the only tough thing about last night is that I did see Ex-Friend. He actually came over to me and hugged me, which I have to admit kinda took me by surprise. I sort of half-rose from my bar booth seat and half-assedly hugged him back, but greeted him with a dazzling smile, trying to convey a sense of, hey, no harm, no foul here! I think it worked.
The hard part, tho', is twofold:
(1) I got a really strong feeling that he wanted to talk to me, that he wanted to be funny with me, to make me laugh, to connect somehow. He kept trying to bring up subjects and debates that, given the others sitting in my bar booth, only really the two of us could engage in (regarding very specific types of music and artists, etc.). But he was so hammered that I think he himself found his efforts to be lacking, and I didn't help matters by allowing myself to be pulled away from his commentary all too easily. It made me feel sort of rude, and in the past I would've tried to find him and give him an opportunity to complete his thought, but I kept reminding myself that this person makes me feel like shit most of the time, so let it go.
(2) Seeing EF made me really, really, really, really miss having him in my life. Last night after I left, and all day today, I've had this ache where I keep trying to devise excuses to text him or e-mail him or even call him, just to try to cling to some small thread of what we once were. He was my best friend. And now, seeing him again, well...I just wish we were good for each other. But, if there's one thing I've learned in my long-but-still-young years, it's that loving someone, be it family, friend, or lover, does not automatically mean you're good for each other. In fact, it's the very people you love the most that can deal you the highest amount of damage. (Just ask any videogame fanatic; they'll tell ya.)
So, I survived, but now I'm sad again, not 'cause I had a bad time, but because I had a good time, and wish I could have it again.
Askin' a lot, eh?
*sigh*
I don't know anymore. When is it the right thing to stick to your guns, and when should you just let go of your Word and give someone another chance? I don't know anymore. (Wait, I already said that. Nevermind.)
Saturday, August 11, 2007
Well, today's the day. It's funny, 'cause I'm not really nervous anymore. I'm going to have a good time in the park this afternoon with a bunch of people that I really like, then I'm gonna go and meet up with a lot of people that I don't know anymore, including Ex-Friend, but it's gonna be O.K. Everything else in this life is so good that an hour or two of discomfort cannot keep me from being happy. What a thing, eh?
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