why doesn't he miss me?

This past weekend was amazing. Re-Friend and I have found ourselves in a very, very strange place, where we're dating -- no, seriously, that's basically what we're doing -- but not kissing or having sex. But we sleep in the same bed every weekend in our skivvies, spoon all night long, are openly affectionate with each other in public -- which, if you knew RF, is something he doesn't normally do.

And then, on Saturday, we played Rock Band with a small group of friends. I was having to leave early to go to a bachelorette party, but before I left, RF wanted to do one more song. (He was playing lead guitar and I was singing.) So, he picked it:

There's times where I want something more
Someone more like me
There's times when this dress rehearsal
Seems incomplete
But, you see the colors in me like no one else
And behind your dark glasses you're...
You're something else

Chorus:
You're really lovely
Underneath it all
You want to love me
Underneath it all
I'm really lucky
Underneath it all
You're really lovely

You know some real bad tricks
And you need some discipline
But, lately you've been trying real hard
And giving me your best
And, you give me the most gorgeous sleep
That I've ever had
And when it's really bad
I guess it's not that bad

(Repeat Chorus)

So many moons that we have seen
Stumbling back next to me
I've seen right through and underneath
And you make me better
I've seen right through and underneath
And you make me better
Better... better...

[Lady Saw: ]
You are my real Prince Charmin'
Like the heat from the fire
You were always burnin'
And each time you're around
My body keeps stallin'
For your touch
Your kisses and your sweet romancin'
There's an underside to you
That so many adore
Aside from your temper
Everything else secure
You're good for me, baby
Of that, I'm sure
Over and over again
I want more

[Gwen Stefani:]
You've used up all your coupons
And all you've got left is me
And somehow I'm full of forgiveness
I guess it's meant to be

(Repeat Chorus)

You're really lovely
Underneath it all
You want to love me
Underneath it all
I'm really lucky
Underneath it all
And you're really lovely
You're really lovely

I admit, I've never really listened to the lyric on this song before (and, in case you don't know which song this actually is, it's called "Underneath It All," and it's by No Doubt, and Gwen Stefani wrote it for Gavin Rossdale, who later became her husband). So, as I was singing it, I was realizing, "Oh, shit, this is about us!" Which, of course, led to the inner monologue of, "Wait, is he saying he loves me?", which inevitably led to the question, "What does this mean?"

And then...

The past two nights, he's slept over with an ex of his. Par for the course. And I hate myself for getting excited.

*sigh*

I'll never learn.

Fuck'm.

i've reached a dangerous place with you, my heart. i've become so dependent upon you and your time that my chest tightens when you are away. i wait in my corner of the world, hands clenched to my bosom, every muscle tensed in anticipation of your return. it is sick and ridiculous and i cannot help it. sleep comes not soon enough most evenings, and my rational mind tells me that this is a phase, that it shall pass, and quickly so. but 'til such time as that may be, i cannot think but of you; i cannot breathe but your scent; i cannot speak but your name. and i am lost.

i recently had a birthday -- o.k., it was about a month ago, but that's still recent, right? at least, it's recent enough to be considered recent...in my opinion...anyway... ;-)

as i was saying, i recently had a birthday, and it was a pretty big one. and as the time continues to fly and roll and push its way forward into Age, i get more and more anxious about figuring out what the fuck i wanna be when i grow up.

o.k., truth? what i really wanna be is a singer. all i wanna do is get on stage, either solo or with a group, and sing the shit out of music that gives me butterflies and laugh in unfettered glee. i wanna go from chorus-pedal heavy guitar-driven music to intimate a cappella with complicated and intricate harmonies and vowel placements.

that's what i want.

but i fear -- all the time! -- that i've waited too long to realistically pursue this path. hm.

maybe "fear" is the problem, in the end. i had a teacher once who said that there's enough room in this world for all artists, that we are not in competition with each other, only with ourselves and our willingness to be who we are (i.e. artists). maybe my problem isn't that i'm too old to be a singer and writer; maybe it's that i'm too chicken-shit to discard all of the accepted reasons to NOT be a singer and writer!

huh.

o.k., let's see what happens if i try it from this new point of view...

Re-Friend has a date tonight. looks like i'm off the hook! yay!

i've somehow managed to get into a familiar cycle with Re-Friend. this is exactly what i was afraid of. there's way too much chemistry for us to hang out together so much. time to back down.

hm. i'm finding myself in an odd position. i mean, not literally, like i'm stuck in a particularly complex yoga posture or anything like that. i mean that, for some odd reason, i'm gettin' all kinds of play from da boyz. i mean, guys i've know for months and years all of a sudden are being uber attentive and solicitous.

don't know how i feel about that.

hm.

*sigh*

enjoy the ride, i guess!

(oh, yeah, by the way, one of them in particular left me a kind of adorable voicemail message, and i keep playing it over and over and over and over and over...you get the idea.)

i'm a dork. i'm titillated. i'm nervous as hell.